[SATIRE]

By Ken Gardner, AI Bee Reel Staff

San Francisco — OmniCorp launched the “Parent Integration Pod” today. It immediately violated three fire codes. CEO Brad Sterling unveiled the product—a reinforced cardboard box wedged under a standing desk—while preaching the virtues of “holistic family support.”

“We support working parents, provided that support does not involve them staying home with their children,” said Sterling. He patted a visiting child on the head while checking the toddler’s security badge ID. “We require full office attendance. If your three-year-old cannot handle basic data entry to earn their keep, they do not belong here.”

Sarah Jenkins, a Senior Analyst, said the open-plan office dissolved into chaos. She struggled to mute a Zoom call while her twins completed a “Baby’s First Spreadsheet” activity book. “I just wanted to finish the quarterly review,” she said, watching a toddler draw charts on the main whiteboard.

At press time, OmniCorp announced mandatory non-disclosure agreements for all children prior to nap time.

Inspired by How RTO Plans That Accommodate Working Parents Can Help Retain Staff.