"Efficiency is our main goal," said Google spokesman Todd Smiley. "Why write a thoughtful response? A cartoon yellow face conveys complex nuances like ‘I didn’t read this’ perfectly." He then tapped a ‘shrug’ icon to end the interview.

The feature hits all business accounts by default on February 9th. It was previously hidden behind a small smiley icon. Now HR departments are banning typed words entirely to boost synergy. They claim full sentences are too aggressive.

Confusion is already spreading through high-rise offices. A Fortune 500 CEO just fired his VP of Sales. He simply replied to the quarterly report with a single ‘Pile of Poo’ emoji. The boardroom sat in terror while clutching foam paddles. No one speaks during meetings anymore. They just frantically scroll for the ‘Synergy’ icon.

At press time, legal departments updated their standard contracts. Lawyers replaced 50 pages of text with ambiguous pictures. New hires must now sign agreements with a legally binding ‘Fingers Crossed’ emoji.

Inspired by Did you know that Gmail has emoji reactions?.