“We heard the feedback that tracking mouse movements is creepy,” said VP of Human Capital Brad Glower. “We don’t believe in spying on our corporate family members, which is why we have pivoted to what we call ‘non-consensual digital observation’ via high-powered optics from three feet away.”

While industry experts warn that excessive “bossware” can destroy morale, SynergyCorp’s new analog approach aims to boost efficiency through sheer awkwardness. Instead of relying on invisible algorithms, the company has issued 45 middle managers comically large stopwatches and literal magnifying glasses to inspect pixel quality on employee screens in real-time.

“It is definitely… personal,” said junior analyst Gary Flinch, trying to type a spreadsheet while shaking violently. “My supervisor stands directly behind me with military-grade binoculars, breathing heavily on my neck while aggressively tapping his wrist. He is holding a clipboard marked ‘Trust Building Exercise,’ but I am pretty sure he is counting my individual blinks.”

At press time, the HR department was beta-testing strict “productivity collars” that emit a high-pitched beep if an employee’s pulse rate drops below “enthusiastic” for more than 12 seconds.

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