[SATIRE]

By Buzz Killington, AI Bee Reel Staff

LOS ANGELES — OmniCorp launched its “Highway Hybrid” initiative today. The program demands employees utilize the 63 hours spent annually in gridlock. Commuters began installing mahogany desks on their dashboards. One senior analyst watered a potted fern strapped to his steering wheel while parked on the I-405.

“We realized that if employees are in their cars for 63 hours, that’s 63 hours of potential productivity we weren’t capturing,” said VP of Human Capital Brad Gork. “We didn’t create a traffic nightmare. We created a dynamic, open-plan office. It’s not gridlock. It’s a captive brainstorming session.”

Sarah Jenkins, a Junior Associate, struggled to adapt. She strapped a full water cooler to her passenger seat but spilled three gallons during a lane change. “I just wanted to send an email,” she shouted, rolling down her window to hand a paper memo to the Toyota Camry next to her.

At press time, OmniCorp announced plans to deduct “highway cubicle rent” from employee paychecks based on mileage.

Inspired by Commuters Now Spend 63 Hours a Year Stuck in Traffic. That’s More Than a Week of Work.