[SATIRE]

CHICAGO — A leading HR consortium released a new handbook for managers today. It addresses the 95 percent of workers who say their pay does not cover bills. The guide advises leaders to stop offering money. It suggests offering “emotional currency” instead.

The framework is called “The Gratitude Pivot.” It teaches managers to deflect conversations about inflation. “Employees often confuse financial needs with spiritual needs,” said Sanjay Mwangi, VP of Human Capital Strategy. “They say they need a raise for groceries. We teach managers to hear a cry for purpose. You cannot eat purpose. But it is zero calories, which is a health benefit.”

The guide includes scripts for salary negotiations. If a worker brings up high rent, the manager should offer a “title enrichment” instead. “We call it the ‘Lifestyle Offset’,” explained Linda Kowalski, Chief Culture Officer. “We remind the team that the office has free coffee. If you drink 600 cups a month, you basically break even. It is just math. We simply highlight the value they are already drinking.”

Kowalski noted that actual money is often a distraction. She claims that “exposure” to senior leadership is more valuable than cash. “You can spend a bonus in a day,” she noted. “But the memory of a CEO nodding at you in the hallway? That lasts forever.”

At press time, the consortium announced a premium seminar. It teaches employees how to hibernate during billing cycles to save energy.

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