“Efficiency isn’t about output; it’s about the aesthetic of busy,” explained CEO Tyrell Swift, adjusting a color-coded calendar that schedules his time to look at other calendars. “If we spend 100% of our time optimizing our workflow, we never actually have to do the scary part: the actual work. It’s a feature, not a bug.”

Senior IT Specialist Ben There attempted to reset a user password but was physically restrained by three project managers demanding he first create a Jira ticket to authorize the creation of a Trello card. “I just wanted to type ‘Password123’,” There whispered, his hand shaking as he logged the keystroke into a spreadsheet designed to audit finger fatigue.

At press time, HR had installed a Kanban board inside the restrooms to manage flushing efficiency and rolled out an AI that optimizes employee breathing cadence for maximum oxygen ROI.

Inspired by How to Break the Self-Improvement Loop That’s Burning You Out.