[SATIRE]

CHICAGO — OmniSystems unveiled a new management strategy Tuesday. They call it “Neuro-Optimization.” The program claims to use brain science to fix low morale without raising wages.

Executives say the old way of managing people is dead. They no longer listen to what employees say. They focus on what their brains “actually need.”

“We realized employees do not want money,” said Linda Patel, VP of Cognitive Alignment. “Their brains actually crave ‘purpose-driven synergy.’ We are simply rewiring their brain patterns. We want them to physically enjoy mandatory weekend shifts. It is not exploitation. It is biology.”

The program requires middle managers to act as amateur doctors. If an employee asks for a raise, it is labeled a “dopamine error.” The solution is not more pay. It is a mandatory seminar on gratitude.

“Science shows that complaining is a biological failure,” explained Kevin Dubois, Director of Mindset Growth. “When a worker cries in the break room, we don’t see sadness. We see a brain that needs a reset. We fix this by playing upbeat jazz. We also removed the chairs to encourage blood flow.”

The company spent millions on this research. They found that the part of the brain that hates meetings can be turned off. It just requires a three-hour presentation on “shared values.” The presentation is mandatory. It is also unpaid.

Employees report confusion. One accountant was told his burnout was just “misaligned neurons.” His manager prescribed a high-five and a juice box.

At press time, OmniSystems announced a new headset. It beeps loudly whenever employees think about their lunch break.

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