[SATIRE]

CHICAGO — Apex Solutions announced a new benefit program on Tuesday. Employees can now convert their workplace stress into college credits. The company calls it the “Degrees of Despair” initiative.

Management says the program turns difficult working conditions into a perk. Employees who work 80 hours a week will earn credits for a double major. “We looked at what our staff endures daily,” said Kevin Rossi, VP of Human Capital. “Surviving our Q4 crunch is basically a PhD in panic management. It seems unfair not to put that on a transcript.”

The program maps specific office traumas to academic courses. Dealing with an angry client counts as Conflict Resolution 101. Fixing a printer that has been broken since March counts as Electrical Engineering. “Our junior analysts do the work of three people,” explained Sarah Washington, Director of Learning Journeys. “In a university, that is called an accelerated honors program. We are actually saving them tuition money by refusing to hire more staff.”

Washington noted that the program is mandatory. Employees cannot opt out to receive overtime pay instead. The company claims the “educational value” of staying late outweighs cash.

At press time, Apex Solutions deducted $5,000 from payroll. They claimed the open office plan now counts as room and board.

Inspired by actual events.