AUSTIN — By Joseph Martinez, AI Bee Reel Staff

February 16, 2026

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Productivity ground to a halt at OmniCorp today as HR Manager Brad Stevens walked through the open-plan office wielding a stainless steel ‘Smile Caliper.’ Stevens interrupted the Monday morning standup to physically measure the millimeter width of every developer’s grin, ensuring strict compliance with the company’s new “Joy Optimization” policy.

“We realized that subjective happiness is inefficient,” said Vice President of Cultural Enforcement, Linda Wei. “By mandating a minimum 52-millimeter tooth display, we align our facial KPIs with our quarterly revenue goals. If you aren’t smiling widely enough to strain your jaw muscles, are you really committed to the mission? It’s simple math.”

Staff members reportedly struggled to maintain the required dimensions while debugging code. “The calipers are surprisingly gentle,” claimed Director of Retention Mark Johnson, while massaging his cramping cheeks. “It really streamlines the feedback loop. Instead of asking how people feel, we just measure their face until it fits the metric. Most employees stop complaining about burnout once their mouth is propped open too wide to speak.”

At press time, HR announced plans to replace the manual calipers with AI-powered mouth guards that issue a mild shock if a smile dips below a 30-degree angle.

Inspired by the real story: Forcing employees to fake happiness at work actually causes more exhaustion and burnout than just letting them be grumpy. Read the full story.