[SATIRE]

NEW YORK — McKinsey released a new report on Tuesday. It confirms that progress for women in the workplace has stalled. Major corporations expressed confusion at the findings. They were certain that hosting one breakfast per year was enough.

The report shows women are slipping back from leadership roles. Executives say this makes no sense. They point to the “Empowerment Panels” they held last March. “We bought 400 purple cupcakes,” said Kevin O’Malley, VP of Strategic Alignment. “We assumed the cupcakes would handle the promotion gap for the fiscal year. The frosting was very high quality.”

Companies argue they have invested heavily in “awareness.” This usually means stickers and newsletters. It rarely means raises. The study found that men are still promoted faster. Corporations insist this is a communication issue. They plan to send more emails about how much they value diversity.

“The data is baffling,” admitted Sophia Wu, Director of Corporate Synergy. “We replaced the glass ceiling with a glass wall. We thought that would help people see the corner office better. Apparently, they actually wanted to sit in it. That was not in the budget.”

At press time, HR announced a solution. Next year’s muffins will be larger.

Inspired by McKinsey Says a Decade of Women’s Workplace Progress Halted in 2025.