[SATIRE]

NEW YORK — Corporate strategy departments confirmed Tuesday that they are no longer avoiding geopolitical turmoil. Instead, they are adding it to the business plan. A new trend in management theory suggests that global instability is actually good for the bottom line.

Executives are calling this “Crisis Capitalization.” The idea is simple. When the world gets scary, companies can charge more. “We used to view a trade war as a problem,” said Aesha O’Malley, VP of Strategic Resilience at a top consulting firm. “Now we view it as a feature. Disruption gives us the cover we need to reset expectations. Customers are much less likely to question a fee hike when they are watching the news in panic.”

Companies are rushing to update their dashboards. Supply chain managers now track political unrest alongside shipping costs. “It is about reframing the narrative,” explained Walter Jensen, Director of Global Continuity. “We do not see a region in crisis. We see a ‘high-friction growth environment.’ When competitors pull out, we stay in and double our margins. We call this the ‘Resilience Premium.'”

Employees have noticed the shift during town hall meetings. One worker reported that her CEO announced a hiring freeze and a record quarter in the same breath. “He said the global uncertainty required us to be lean,” she noted. “Then he showed a slide where the uncertainty helped us beat revenue targets by 40 percent.”

At press time, several Fortune 500 companies were seen lobbying for a “mild to moderate” diplomatic crisis in time for the Q4 sales push.

Inspired by How Companies Can Capitalize on Geopolitical Turmoil.