[SATIRE]

SEATTLE — Major tech companies confirmed this week they will pause firings until January. They are calling it a "No-Fire Season." Executives say this decision allows employees to enjoy the holidays before losing their health insurance.

The policy ensures that no one gets bad news in December. Instead, they will get a calendar invite on the first Tuesday of the year. "We want our team to have a peaceful break," said Linda Wu, VP of Human Capital Optimization. "It is much better to ruin their lives on January 2nd. That way, the sadness falls into the new fiscal quarter. It is cleaner for our accounting."

Legal experts say this is not about kindness. It is about risk. Juries do not like companies that fire Santa. "Firing people in December looks bad in court," explained Kevin Vargas, Director of Risk Safety. "We call this ‘Strategic Compassion.’ We let you buy gifts you cannot afford. Then we cut your income a week later. It is a seamless process."

Vargas noted that the delay helps with office morale. The remaining employees feel safe for three weeks. Then the panic returns. "It is the gift of temporary ignorance," he added.

At press time, HR announced a new holiday bonus. It is a cardboard box for your desk items, pre-delivered to save time.

Inspired by actual events.