[SATIRE]

WASHINGTON — The Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services (CMS) announced strict new rules for the holiday party today. Administrator Dr. Oz recently told staff to "eat less" during the holidays. Now, the agency is enforcing it with paperwork.

Employees must now scan their badges before approaching the buffet. If they want a second plate, they need a manager’s signature. "We are not banning food," said Sanjay O’Malley, Director of Nutritional Compliance. "We are simply introducing a cooling-off period. If you really want that brownie, you will be happy to fill out Form 88-B and wait three business days for approval."

The new system places a "calorie auditor" at the end of the line. They measure serving sizes with a ruler. "Efficiency is our goal," explained Linda Wu, VP of Internal Wellness. "Heavy lunches lead to slow afternoons. By keeping staff slightly hungry, we keep them alert. The hunger pangs you feel are actually the feeling of productivity." Wu noted that the time spent chewing could be better spent on emails.

At press time, CMS announced that napkins are now considered a taxable benefit.

Inspired by Dr. Oz tells his federal employees to eat less during the holidays.