SAN FRANCISCO — BOSTON, Mass. — Emergency rooms nationwide are cutting costs by replacing trauma surgeons with ChatGPT, resulting in significantly shorter wait times and very confused patients. One local man, clutching his own severed arm, was advised by the cheerful tablet to "try journaling about his limb attachment goals" before being offered a discount on mindfulness apps.

By Rajiv Patel, AI Bee Reel Staff

"Our data shows that 90% of medical emergencies are actually just negative mindsets," explained Dr. Linda Halloway, VP of Digital Health. "While critics worry about privacy, the real breakthrough here is holistic care. If the AI suggests deep breathing while you are bleeding out, it is because your stress levels are the primary concern right now."

The program has already streamlined triage procedures by ignoring physical symptoms entirely. "We had a patient with a spear through his chest, and the AI correctly identified that he needed to hydrate more," noted Mark Davis, Chief Optimization Officer. Witnesses reported seeing the patient trying to tap the tiny "I understand" button on the screen with his remaining good hand while the bot generated a 12-step plan for avoiding pointy objects.

At press time, the AI asked the unconscious patient to rate his amputation experience on a scale of one to five stars.

Inspired by the real story: While privacy concerns are overblown, experts warn that AI health bots often give generic or inaccurate advice. Read the full story.