[SATIRE]

OAK BROOK, Ill. — The Chamberlain Group announced a major update for its MyQ smart garage openers today. The company is blocking all third-party apps. They also introduced a new feature. The garage door now stays closed unless you pay a monthly fee.

The company says this change is about safety. Chamberlain claims that letting other apps open your door is dangerous. To fix this, they are launching the "Verified Entry" subscription.

"We prioritize security above all else," said Chloe Rossi, VP of Revenue Optimization. "The safest garage door is one that never opens. By charging $15 a month to lift the door, we ensure only really committed users get inside. If you truly need to park, you will pay for the privilege."

Free users can still use their garage. However, the door will now only open six inches. This is enough to slide a bicycle under, but not a car. Chamberlain calls this the "Eco-Friendly Tier."

Longtime customers are confused. Many bought the opener years ago. They thought buying the hardware meant they owned it. Chamberlain says this view is outdated.

"Hardware is just a vessel for services," explained David Wu, Director of Customer Journey Mapping. "You bought the motor. You did not buy the right to use the motor. Those are separate products. We are simply decoupling the door from the action of opening it."

At press time, Chamberlain announced a "Premium Exit" add-on. For an extra $10, the door will close after you leave.

Inspired by Chamberlain blocks smart home integrations with its garage door openers — again.