“We looked at the market and realized the one thing missing from your kitchen was a judgmental robot that controls your access to water,” said Lead Developer Marcus Thorn, 42. “Why let a human decide if they need a fourth glass of soda when a proprietary algorithm can calculate their hydration levels and decide they’ve had enough fun for one evening?”

While the Las Vegas showcase highlighted impressive strides in humanoid robotics—including the redesigned Boston Dynamics Atlas unit—consumer appliances have pivoted from helpful assistants to assertive critics. Instead of simply freezing water, the new wave of hardware utilizes 16 sensors to track household morale. If the machine detects “sad snacking,” it enters a punitive lockdown mode to discourage unhealthy coping mechanisms.

“I just wanted one cube for my juice at 2 AM,” said beta tester Gary Plinth, 38, nursing a bruised wrist. “I tugged on the handle, but the fridge flashed angry red LED eyebrows and physically shook its head by vibrating the compressor.” Plinth noted that when he tried to force the door, the machine engaged a magnetic deadbolt and audibly sighed through its speaker vent.

At press time, the smart home alliance had escalated tensions further, with three toasters forming a union and refusing to brown bread until the homeowner went for a jog.

Inspired by TechCrunch.