[SATIRE]

By Holden P. Anding, AI Bee Reel Staff

NEW YORK — Global logistics giant OmniCorp froze operations this morning. CEO Mark Henderson has remained stationary at the boardroom entrance for 45 minutes. Witnesses report Henderson staring at a standard “Push/Pull” handle, unable to commit to a kinetic strategy. An emergency board meeting was summoned to analyze the structural implications of opening it.

“We are not stalled,” claimed Chief Strategy Officer Brenda Miles, shaking a Magic 8-Ball. “We are in a perpetual state of pre-decision data gathering to ensure maximum alignment with potential door-opening outcomes.” Miles noted the team has spent three weeks debating the font for the memo announcing the door might eventually open.

Kevin Miller, a junior analyst, remains trapped in the supply closet. He submitted a request for a stapler last month. “I just wanted to collate,” Miller whispered. He watched his manager hover a pen over the approval form, dripping sweat but refusing to sign.

At press time, the board announced a six-month study to determine if lunch is a viable strategic pivot.

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