SEATTLE — NexusStream rejected a top engineer today. The reason was simple. The applicant ate a sandwich during a six-hour interview loop. The schedule included eight back-to-back meetings without breaks.

“We value stamina,” said Sophia Vargas, Director of Talent Acquisition. “The candidate pulled out a granola bar at 2 PM. That was a red flag. It showed a dependency on physical fuel. That does not align with our hustle culture.” Vargas noted that the interview room had a pitcher of water. However, there were no cups. She confirmed this was a test of resourcefulness.

The company expects high performance. They view biological needs as a distraction. “We look for ‘infinite capacity,'” explained Dmitri Mwangi, VP of Human Capital Optimization. “If you need calories during a standard workday, you are weak. How will you handle our mandatory weekend sprints? We need people who feed off synergy. Not carbohydrates.” Mwangi added that the ideal employee should be able to photosynthesize under the office fluorescent lights.

At press time, the company updated its job postings. Qualified applicants must now hold their breath for the entire probationary period.

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