[SATIRE]

CAMDEN, N.J. — Campbell’s issued a third statement today regarding the executive who called their soup “garbage for poor people.” The company says he will not be fired. Instead, they are praising his “radical transparency.”

The company claims the insult was actually a new marketing strategy. They want to align the brand with reality. “We value honesty above all else,” said Marcus Thorne, VP of Brand Narrative. “When our executive insulted the product, he was managing expectations. We do not want customers to open the can and be surprised by the quality.”

Internal memos show the company has known about the quality gap for years. They usually hide it with commercials about families. Now, they are leaning into the truth. “This is about clear segmentation,” explained David Chen, Chief Revenue Officer. “If we put fresh ingredients in the can, we would have to charge $12. Our data shows our customers do not have $12. So we give them a product that matches their budget.”

Chen noted that the executive was just saying the quiet part out loud. The company believes this builds trust. “It is not an insult if it is factually accurate,” Chen added. “He was simply describing the value proposition. You give us a little money. We give you warm salt water. It is a fair trade.”

At press time, the marketing team unveiled a new slogan. It reads: “Campbell’s: It Is Better Than Starving.”

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