[SATIRE]

CAMDEN, N.J. — Campbell’s Soup Company issued a formal correction this week to assure consumers that its chicken noodle soup contains absolutely no innovative technology. The statement follows viral rumors suggesting the company had pivoted to “3D-printed meat” based on leaked audio from an IT executive. The 155-year-old brand clarified that its manufacturing process remains firmly grounded in traditional industrial practices.

The company felt compelled to address the speculation after social media platforms began debating the structural integrity of their poultry. “We want to be clear that our supply chain utilizes legacy biological chickens,” said Marcus Chen, Vice President of Supply Chain. “While 3D printing offers fascinating synergies for additive manufacturing, our current infrastructure is optimized for mass-scale boiling. We conducted a feasibility study on printing individual noodles but determined that gravity-fed extrusion remains the superior cost model for sodium delivery.”

Internal sources suggest the rumor originated from a misunderstood slide deck during a quarterly alignment meeting. “The terminology used was strictly metaphorical,” explained Sarah Kim, Chief Technology Officer. “When our IT leadership referred to ‘printing protein,’ they were leveraging a paradigm to describe standard canning logistics to a room of software engineers. It was an attempt to disrupt the narrative of soup being a liquid.” Kim added that while the company is exploring AI, it is currently limited to optimizing the font size on the back of the label.

At press time, the IT executive responsible for the rumor had been promoted to Director of Innovation for successfully disrupting the news cycle without actually changing the product.

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