[SATIRE]

CHICAGO — Major retail brands announced a shift to the “Demure Autumn” trend on Tuesday morning. By lunch, the trend was over. Companies had already spent millions on the pivot.

The strategy was simple. Brands wanted to be “mindful” and “polite.” They removed bright colors from stores. They told staff to whisper. “We spent six months planning this,” said Diego Mwangi, VP of Viral Agility. “We replaced all our red signs with soft beige notes. It was very demure. Very mindful. Then a teenager on the internet screamed at a sandwich, and the algorithm changed. Now ‘Loud Chaos’ is the only thing that sells.”

Supply chains are breaking under the speed of the changes. One clothing chain reportedly burned forty tons of modest cardigans to make room for neon pants. “Our trucks are just driving in circles,” admitted Linda Vargas, Director of Instant Trends. “We try to match the internet. But the internet changes every four seconds. We have three ships full of ‘Quiet Luxury’ coats. By the time they dock, the trend will be ‘Swamp Core.’ We are considering just sinking the ships. It is cheaper than rebranding.”

Vargas noted that her team has not slept in three days. They are currently tracking a trend called “feral shouting,” which requires a new font.

At press time, the trend shifted again to “Corporate Apology Videos,” which most brands are already prepared to launch.

Inspired by actual events.