[SATIRE]

LAS VEGAS — Amazon Web Services (AWS) announced a major pivot at re:Invent 2025. The cloud giant is moving away from “logic-based” computing. The new strategy focuses on “faith-based” AI agents.

The company admits it is playing catch-up in the AI race. To close the gap, they are replacing hardware with hope. “We realized accuracy was holding us back,” said Mateo Jensen, VP of Theoretical Performance. “Our new agents do not just process data. They believe in the data. If the output is wrong, that is on the user. It means the customer did not trust the process enough.”

The new “Agentic Faith” tier costs extra. It replaces standard error logs with positive affirmations. When a database crashes, the AI does not fix it. It simply visualizes a world where the database is fine. This saves computing power.

“Developers spend too much time debugging,” explained Aisha O’Malley, Director of Wishful Thinking. “Now, when a deployment fails, the AI ignores it. It manifests a reality where the code works. We charge $4 per hour for this confidence. It is a premium feature.” O’Malley noted that enterprise customers can buy bulk credits. These credits allow CTOs to ignore reality for up to three weeks.

At press time, AWS announced a new support tier. For $10,000 a month, a dedicated team will send thoughts and prayers to your server stack.

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