[SATIRE]

LAS VEGAS — Amazon Web Services (AWS) unveiled a massive new AI system this week. The new tools can run entire companies without human help. The company admits most clients are still trying to figure out how to log in.

The conference showcased “agents” that can plan projects and write code. Executives say the technology is ready. They are less sure about the humans.

“We have built a city on Mars,” said Sanjay Patel, VP of Future Growth. “The fact that our customers are still stuck in traffic on Earth is a logistics detail. We cannot wait for them to catch up. The future has a schedule to keep.”

The new “Nova” models allow AI to talk to other AI. They can solve complex problems in seconds. But sales teams say customers are asking the wrong questions. “We offer them a god-like intelligence,” sighed Linda Mwangi, Head of Visionary Adoption. “They ask how to lower their storage bill. Or how to export a spreadsheet. It is exhausting to sell magic to people who just want a cheaper calculator.”

Mwangi noted that the gap between the product and the user is widening. To fix this, AWS suggests replacing the users. “The AI agents understand the value of the platform,” she explained. “They do not complain about complexity. They do not ask for discounts. They are the ideal customer.”

At press time, AWS announced a new fee. Customers will now be charged for every AI feature they do not use.

Inspired by AWS re:Invent was an all-in pitch for AI. Customers might not be ready..