[SATIRE]

SEATTLE — AWS and Visa announced a new partnership this week. They are building tools for “agentic commerce.” This is a fancy way of saying your AI can now spend your money without asking you first.

The new system allows AI agents to make B2B payments. It removes the need for human approval. “Humans are the biggest obstacle to spending,” said Sanjay Cohen, VP of Frictionless Revenue at Visa. “They ask questions like ‘do we need this?’ and ‘is this in the budget?’ Our new system removes that friction. Now, an AI can sign a three-year contract in milliseconds.”

The companies claim this will speed up business. They say buying software is too slow. “Previously, buying enterprise tools took weeks of meetings,” explained Sarah Washington, Head of Autonomous Consumption at AWS. “Now, your AI agent can negotiate with a vendor’s AI agent. They can agree on a price that is 20% higher than necessary in under a second. That is true efficiency.”

Washington noted that the system includes safeguards. The AI will only buy things it thinks are critical. Early tests show that AI agents believe “Premium Support” and “Gold Tier Upgrades” are always critical. “The agents are very smart,” Washington added. “They know that the best way to solve a problem is to throw money at it. They learned that from watching the executives.”

At press time, an AI agent purchased a subscription to another AI. The second AI does nothing but approve invoices from the first AI.

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