[SATIRE]

LONDON — Ascentra Labs raised $2 million this week to automate consulting work. The startup uses AI to handle Excel and PowerPoint tasks. The goal is to end the famous “all-night” work sessions.

Industry leaders were initially panicked. Consulting firms sell their time. If the work takes three seconds, they cannot bill for 80 hours. But partners quickly found a solution. They are not doing less work. They are just generating more slides.

“Efficiency is a trap,” said Sanjay Vargas, Senior Partner of Strategic Vision. “If I answer the client’s question in one page, they think it was easy. They will not pay $50,000 for easy. So we use the AI to generate 4,000 pages of charts instead. We call this ‘Value Density.'”

The software takes simple data and turns it into complex problems. A query about sales figures now produces a 900-slide deck. It includes heat maps, synergy matrices, and five-year projections based on nothing.

“We had to adjust our billing model,” explained Chloe Rossi, VP of Revenue Innovation. “We no longer charge by the hour. We charge by the ‘compute intensity.’ It turns out, the electricity to run the AI costs exactly the same as a junior associate with an MBA. It is a happy coincidence.”

At press time, Ascentra announced a new feature. It automatically schedules three follow-up meetings to explain the slides the AI just made.

Inspired by Ascentra Labs raises $2 million to help consultants use AI instead of all-night Excel marathons.