[SATIRE]

CUPERTINO — Apple announced major discounts on AirTags, iPads, and Watches this week. The company calls these “holiday deals.” Industry analysts call them a cheaper entry fee for a life sentence.

The strategy is simple. You save money on the hardware today. In exchange, you agree to never leave the ecosystem again. “We want everyone to experience the joy of being trapped,” said Aisha Cohen, VP of Ecosystem Capture. “When you save $20 on an AirTag, you feel smart. But now you can never buy an Android phone. You belong to us. That feeling of security is priceless.”

Reports indicate the new devices are designed to make leaving impossible. One user tried to pair his discounted AirPods with a PC. The headphones immediately began shrieking. “We view compatibility as a bug, not a feature,” explained Dmitri Vargas, Head of Strategic Dependency. “Our walled garden is beautiful. The walls are fifty feet high and covered in razor wire, but the grass inside is very green. We just lowered the cover charge to get in.”

Vargas noted that the discounts are calculated carefully. The company loses a small amount on the sale. They make it back when you realize you now need three dongles and a monthly cloud subscription just to see your own photos.

At press time, Apple offered a free iPad to anyone who legally changes their last name to “Lightning Cable.”

Inspired by actual events.