[SATIRE]

CUPERTINO — Apple released a new buying guide on Tuesday. It helps customers choose between the three Apple Watch models. The company says the choice depends on your budget and your shame tolerance.

The high-end Ultra watch costs $799. It is designed for people who climb mountains. Now, it has software to enforce that lifestyle. “The Ultra screen will not turn on if you are sitting in a chair,” said Linda Washington, VP of Extreme Validation. “The sensors know if you are comfortable. If you are comfortable, you do not need the time. You need to go run a 10k.”

Washington noted that the Ultra also has a siren. It screams if you open a spreadsheet instead of a trail map. “This protects the brand,” she added. “We cannot have people wearing our adventure watch to a Zoom meeting. It sends the wrong message.”

The budget-friendly Watch SE starts at $249. It lacks the “always-on” display found on expensive models. Apple says this is intentional. “We call it the ‘humility feature’,” explained Kevin Wu, Director of Tiered Frustration. “You must shake your arm violently to see the time. This signals to everyone in the room that you bought the cheap one. We find this social pressure encourages upgrades.”

At press time, Apple announced the Hermes edition. For $1,200, it does not tell time at all. It just tells you that you are rich.

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