[SATIRE]

SAN FRANCISCO — Anthropic CEO Dario Amodei criticized rival AI labs this week. He said they are “YOLO-ing” their budgets. He claims their reckless spending endangers the industry. Anthropic has raised nearly $10 billion to date.

The company says there is a clear difference between their massive spending and everyone else’s. “There is a right way to burn a billion dollars,” said Kevin Wu, VP of Strategic Alignment. “When our competitors buy 100,000 chips, it is reckless gambling. When we buy 100,000 chips, it is essential safety work. The difference is subtle. Mostly it is about the font we use on the invoice.”

Anthropic insists their cash bonfire is managed with care. They use a process called “Constitutional Spending.” Before lighting a pile of money on fire, they write a memo about it. “We do not just throw money at problems,” explained Linda Mwangi, Head of Responsible Growth. “We gently place the money into the furnace. We also wear safety goggles while doing it. That is the Anthropic difference.” She noted that reckless companies simply burn cash without pausing to feel bad about it first.

At press time, Anthropic announced a $500 million safety study. It will determine if money burns slower when you frown at it.

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