[SATIRE]

SAN FRANCISCO — Mixpanel confirmed this week that hackers stole customer data. The company sells tools that track everything users do. Yet they admit they cannot track who took the files.

The company is famous for “deep visibility.” They promise to show businesses exactly how people use apps. But that visibility stopped at their own front door. “We know if a user hovers over a blue button for two seconds,” said Sarah Wu, VP of Strategic Insight. “We have charts for that. But we have no data on the people who downloaded our entire database. That is a blind spot for us.”

Internal teams tried to use Mixpanel’s own software to analyze the breach. The results were mixed. The dashboard showed a spike in “User Engagement.” This was actually the hackers copying files. “The thieves were very active users,” explained David Cohen, Head of Retention Logic. “They viewed 100% of the available content. In our industry, that is usually a success metric. We are trying to figure out how to monetize that level of interest.”

At press time, Mixpanel confirmed they still do not know the hackers’ location. However, their analytics tool did confirm the thieves prefer Dark Mode.

Inspired by A data breach at analytics giant Mixpanel leaves a lot of open questions.