[SATIRE]

SEATTLE — Amazon defended its dynamic pricing model today after schools reported budget crisis. Districts say prices for basic supplies are swinging wildly. A pack of glue sticks can triple in cost in minutes.

The company says this is a feature, not a bug. The algorithm is designed to find the maximum price a desperate person will pay. “Our system detects urgency,” said Kevin O’Malley, VP of Marketplace Agility. “If a teacher needs pencils tomorrow, those pencils are simply worth more. We are capturing that value at the moment of highest need.”

One Texas district tried to buy 500 notebooks last week. The price jumped 40% while the items were in the cart. The software noticed the bulk order. It calculated that the buyer had no other choice. “We call this ‘Real-Time Demand Sensing,'” explained Sarah Washington, Director of Pricing Logic. “The algorithm saw the school budget was approved. It adjusted the prices to ensure the budget was fully utilized. We help schools avoid the burden of unspent money.”

Washington noted the system is very sensitive. It tracks how fast you move your mouse. Fast clicking indicates panic. Panic triggers an automatic 15% surcharge. “It is basic economics,” she added. “The more you need it, the more it costs. That is how we optimize the supply chain.”

At press time, Amazon launched a new “Budget Saver” shipping option. It offers 5% off if you agree to receive the supplies in November.

Inspired by Amazon’s dynamic pricing is causing chaos for school budgets.