“We finally cracked the code on expensive last-mile logistics,” said VP of Innovation Miles Prower. “We solved the delivery problem by letting the customer be the delivery driver. It represents a bold synergy of labor offloading that saves us billions.”

The Orland Park Plan Commission voted 6-1 to approve the massive 229,000-square-foot facility near Chicago. Amazon immediately filed aggressive patents for “The Floor” and “The Door.” They claim these proprietary technologies disrupt the outdated concept of simply walking inside a building.

During the glossy stage demo, Prower revealed a standard wire basket on wheels atop a velvet pedestal. He called the device a “Manual Latency-Free Transport Unit.” The crowd gasped as he slowly mimed the complex new gesture of grabbing soap off a shelf.

At press time, Amazon announced a premium subscription tier called Prime Feet. It allows exclusive users to physically walk through the aisles without buffering. They also promised a revolutionary “Paper Receipt” for permanent offline data storage.

Inspired by Amazon is planning a Super Amazon-mart store near Chicago.