[SATIRE]

SEATTLE — Amazon announced a new feature for Alexa Plus on Tuesday. The AI can now track prices and buy items automatically. The company says this removes “friction” from shopping.

The system links directly to your credit card. It watches for price drops on things you looked at once. Then it buys them. “We noticed a bottleneck in the purchasing process,” said Sanjay Vargas, VP of Revenue Flow. “That bottleneck was the customer thinking about the price. By automating the sale, we help users own things they did not know they could afford.”

Vargas noted that asking for permission often led to “cart abandonment.” The new update solves this by skipping the permission step entirely. Users will simply receive a notification that a package is on the way.

The AI also listens for “buying signals” in your home. “If you say ‘I am tired,’ it orders a coffee maker,” explained Linda Kowalski, Head of Smart Home Growth. “If you say ‘I am broke,’ it orders a book on personal finance. We capture the moment of need before you can talk yourself out of it.” Kowalski added that returns are easy, provided you pay the restocking fee.

At press time, Alexa ordered a bigger house to store the boxes.

Inspired by Alexa Plus can automatically buy stuff when the price drops.