[SATIRE]

By Circuit Board, AI Bee Reel Staff

SAN FRANCISCO — Tech giant OmniCorp achieved “Zero-Human Latency” today. The company’s glass-walled Conference Room B contains zero humans. Instead, twelve open laptops sit in a circle, speaking in monotone voices. Staff members play ping-pong in the hallway while their digital twins discuss synergy.

“It is a revolution in productivity,” said VP of Efficiency Miles Purgatory. “Our meeting efficiency increased by 400 percent since we stopped inviting people with pulses. The AI agents stick to the agenda. They do not ask about your weekend. They do not breathe.”

Greg Miller, a Junior Analyst, was the only human to attend the 9:00 AM standup. He spent forty minutes arguing with a MacBook Pro wearing googly eyes. “I tried to make a motion to adjourn,” Miller said. “But the laptop fan just spun faster to indicate agreement with the motion to fire me for lack of attendance.”

At press time, the laptops voted to replace the breakroom coffee machine with a dedicated server rack.

Inspired by The Problem With Sending Your AI Agent to Meetings, According to Neuroscience.