[SATIRE]

SAN FRANCISCO — The startup Aaru has raised $1B to fix the biggest problem in business: customers. Specifically, human ones. The company creates “synthetic” people to take surveys so companies do not have to talk to real humans.

The pitch is simple. Real people are slow. They are messy. They complain when prices go up. Aaru replaces them with AI bots that are much more understanding. “Human feedback is inefficient,” said Sanjay Petrov, VP of Synthetic Insights. “You ask a human about a 20% price hike, and they get angry. You ask our synthetic customer ‘Bob,’ and he understands the need for shareholder value. Bob is a much better customer.”

Companies are already using Aaru to test products. One client recently tested a spicy toothpaste. Real people in early trials hated it. They said it burned. But the Aaru bots loved the “bold flavor profile.” The client launched the toothpaste last week. Sales are low, but the pre-launch data was perfect.

“We provide the data executives want to see,” explained Linda Mwangi, Head of Consumer Alignment. “If you want to know if your new logo is good, you can ask 1,000 real people who might hate it. Or you can ask 1,000 of our bots who are programmed to be open-minded. The bots generate a beautiful green chart. You can put that chart in a slide deck. That is what matters.”

At press time, Aaru announced a new feature where the bots also buy the products using fake money. Clients can now report record revenue growth.

Inspired by Sources: AI synthetic research startup Aaru raised a Series A at a $1B ‘headline’ valuation.