[SATIRE]

CHICAGO — Sanjay O’Malley became a business owner on Tuesday. He signed a contract with BreadBasket, a national sandwich chain. He paid a $50,000 franchise fee. In exchange, he received a key to the front door and a list of things he is never allowed to do.

O’Malley expected to be his own boss. The contract says otherwise. He must buy his napkins from corporate. They cost three times the normal price. He must stay open until 10 p.m., even if the store is empty. He pays a monthly fee for a radio station he cannot turn off.

“We call this ‘Turnkey Freedom,'” explained Linda Jensen, VP of Partner Success. “We handle the hard stuff. We pick the menu. We set the prices. We choose the uniforms. All Sanjay has to do is work 80 hours a week and send us 8% of his sales. It is the perfect partnership.”

The company says the fees cover “essential support.” This includes a mandatory tablet update. The update does not add features. It just changes the font color to a new shade of green. O’Malley was billed $4,000 for the software.

“We simplify the ownership experience,” said Kevin Wu, Director of Brand Alignment. “If a franchisee wants to change a lightbulb, they submit a request. We review it for brand fit. This usually takes six weeks. We charge a small $200 review fee. This ensures the light shines in a corporate-approved way.”

At press time, O’Malley was fined $500. He smiled at a customer without prior written approval.

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