[SATIRE]

CHICAGO — Apex Solutions sent a memo to staff today. It clarifies the company stance on parental leave. The new policy is simple. There isn’t any.

Instead, new parents can bring infants to work immediately. “We value family,” said Sophia Mwangi, VP of Human Capital Optimization. “Sending a parent home for weeks creates distance. We want your baby to feel the synergy of Q3 planning. Why bond at home when you can bond during a budget crisis?”

The memo calls this “Work-Life Integration.” It claims that holding a newborn during meetings builds character. Employees are already testing it. One senior manager changed a diaper while presenting sales figures. The room did not stop.

“The baby cried during my slide deck,” said Sanjay O’Malley, Director of Workflow Synergy. “I told the team it was passion. The baby clearly understood that our retention numbers are down. That is the kind of emotional intelligence we look for in future leaders.”

The company says this approach solves the childcare shortage. It also saves them from hiring temp workers. Management believes babies should learn the corporate culture early.

At press time, HR announced that babies must sign an NDA before entering the building.

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