[SATIRE]

SAN FRANCISCO — MyHair AI launched a new mobile app this week. It uses advanced machine learning to scan your scalp. The goal is to tell you if you are losing your hair. Most users already own a mirror, but the company says that is not enough.

The app requires users to take twenty photos of their head. It processes the images for ten minutes. Then it delivers a diagnosis. “We found that mirrors are too subjective,” said Linda Washington, VP of Personal Optimization. “A man looks in the mirror and sees hope. Our AI looks at his head and sees a barren wasteland. We charge a subscription to deliver that hard truth.”

Early testers report the AI is brutally accurate. It does not offer comfort. It offers data points about “follicle failure rates.” The company claims this scientific approach helps men accept reality. “We simply confirmed what his wife has been staring at for a decade,” said Kevin Gupta, Head of Strategic Growth. “But because an algorithm said it, he is finally listening. That is the power of AI. It turns common sense into a proprietary metric.”

Once the AI confirms you are bald, it suggests expensive products. The app takes a commission on every sale. “The diagnosis is free,” Gupta explained. “The panic is where we generate revenue.”

At press time, the company announced a new AI for weight loss. It looks at your pizza and whispers “really?”

Inspired by actual events.