[SATIRE]

BARCELONA — Poco announced the F8 Ultra this week. The marketing calls the back of the phone "Denim Blue." The fine print confirms it is plastic. The company also added a subwoofer inside the device.

The company says the fake fabric is a feature. "Real denim rips. Real denim gets wet," said Michael Chang, VP of Tactile Experience. "Our 'Concept Denim' creates the visual vibe of pants. But it keeps the durability of hard plastic. It tells a story of ruggedness without the cost of actual cloth. That savings allows us to add more stickers to the box."

The phone also features a subwoofer made with Bose. Physics suggests a subwoofer needs air to work. A phone has no air. The result is a device that shakes violently.

Early testers say the phone slides off tables when the volume hits 50%. "We want you to feel the music," explained Linda Weber, Director of Sonic Impact. "And by feel, we mean your hand should go numb. If the phone does not rattle your wrist bones, the bass is not deep enough." Weber noted that the vibration helps users hold onto the phone. She claimed the shaking creates a "dynamic grip" that locks into your palm.

At press time, Poco announced a "Vintage Leather" edition. It is made entirely of dried glue.

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