[SATIRE]

PALO ALTO — A leading consulting firm launched a new executive retreat this week. For $20,000, tech leaders can fly to Mongolia to milk yaks. The firm claims this teaches “agile resilience.”

The program was created after the industry officially ran out of sports metaphors. “We used every lesson from rowing and mountain climbing,” admitted Marcus Thorne, Head of Thought Leadership. “We needed fresh content for LinkedIn. A yak is perfect. It is stubborn, hairy, and smells bad. It is exactly like managing a legacy code base.”

Participants spend three days living in yurts with spotty Wi-Fi. They must extract milk while drafting posts about “servant leadership.” The firm insists the physical danger is a feature, not a bug. “The yak does not care about your stock price,” Thorne explained. “It only cares if your hands are cold. That is radical candor.”

Attendees say the experience has changed how they view their employees. “I had a breakthrough while dodging dung,” said Sarah Jenkins, VP of Growth Strategy. “I realized that milking is just like SaaS sales. You squeeze and squeeze until the creature gets angry. Then you pivot. I have already fired three people since I got back. It feels very organic.”

At press time, the firm announced a premium “Arctic Survival” module. It teaches founders how to freeze to death while waiting for Series B funding.

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