[SATIRE]

SAN JOSE — Tech firm Corvex made a bold legal move this week. After their new Chief Technology Officer was indicted for illegal exports, the company claimed he never worked there. Today, they went further. They say he was a “generative AI glitch” that everyone just believed.

The executive, Brian Raymond, had an office. He had a badge. He allegedly shipped sensitive chips to China. But Corvex says this was just a shared delusion. “We use advanced AI to manage our org chart,” said Elena Rodriguez, VP of Corporate Reality. “Sometimes the model hallucinates a person. It creates a name, a salary, and a parking spot. We assumed he was real because the software was so confident.”

Employees are confused. Many report having meetings with Raymond. They have emails from him. The company says these were also automated errors. “The AI is very good at mimicking a busy executive,” explained David Chen, Head of Liability Avoidance. “It sent emails saying ‘let’s circle back’ and ‘great work team.’ That is generic text. It does not prove a human existed.”

Lawyers asked about the paychecks deposited into Raymond’s account. Corvex called this an “accounting bug.” They noted that the system often pays people to do nothing. “That is just standard corporate behavior,” Chen added. “It does not imply employment.”

At press time, the CEO announced that if the stock price drops further, he also does not technically work there.

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