[SATIRE]

NEW YORK — Following urgent news reports that business leaders “can’t afford to delay” on artificial intelligence, Global Corp CEO Mark Henderson declared a state of emergency this morning. He ordered a complete, company-wide AI plan finished before his noon salad arrived.

The executive team scrambled to find uses for ChatGPT and similar tools. They had zero AI software at 9:00 AM. By 10:30 AM, they had signed up for twelve different free trials. “We had to move fast,” said Jennifer Morrison, Director of Panic Implementation. “We didn’t have time to learn what the software actually does. We just bought 500 accounts and told everyone to ‘be smarter’ immediately.”

The resulting strategy was mostly confusion. The marketing team used AI to write poems about quarterly earnings. The finance department’s AI suggested paying taxes in gift cards. Despite the chaos, the leadership team declared victory because they used the technology. “It is technically a strategy,” noted Dr. Robert Kim, Vice President of Looking Busy. “We pasted the word ‘AI’ on every slide in the presentation deck. The board will love it because it looks expensive.”

At press time, Henderson promoted the chatbot to middle management after it successfully used the word “synergy” three times in a single sentence.

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