SEATTLE — Citing new data on the impact of daily commuting, Apex Solutions CEO Richard Sterling announced a mandatory five-day return-to-office policy today, claiming that generative AI tools like ChatGPT simply “work better” when prompted from inside a physical cubicle.

The controversial mandate comes despite reports showing that increased commute times are hurting business productivity. Sterling insisted that while employees can technically access OpenAI’s tools from home, the results lack the “synergistic electricity” found only in an open-plan office. “We found that the chatbot gives 15% smarter answers when the user is wearing business casual attire,” said Brad Halloway, Vice President of Performative Attendance. “The internet at your house might be fast, but it doesn’t have the same hustle culture embedded in the signal that our corporate router provides.”

Employees were confused by the new “Commute-to-Compute” initiative, noting that the AI model is hosted in the cloud, not the break room. Management dismissed these technical facts as “defeatist attitude.” To ensure compliance, the company is installing sensors to verify that staff are sitting in traffic for at least an hour before logging in. “When you drive 90 minutes to work, you arrive with a specific level of frustration that really helps the AI understand the human condition,” explained Linda St. James, Director of Justifying Commercial Real Estate Leases. “You can’t simulate that kind of despair on a Zoom call.”

At press time, Sterling sent a company-wide email praising the new in-person culture, which was written by ChatGPT from his vacation home in Maui.

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