SAN FRANCISCO — Following reports that Central Computers in the San Francisco Bay Area has switched to listing RAM at “market price” due to severe shortages, local electronics retailers have begun storing their memory sticks in glass tanks to ensure maximum freshness for desperate customers.

The move transforms the mundane task of upgrading data centers into a high-stakes culinary experience. Instead of grabbing a box from a shelf, IT managers must now approach the counter and point to the specific stick of DDR5 memory they want before it is netted and weighed on a digital scale. “We want our clients to look that hardware in the eye before they buy it,” said Marcus Thorne, Director of Artisanal Computing. “When you are paying lobster prices for basic computer parts, you expect the staff to present the RAM on a bed of crushed ice before wrapping it in butcher paper.”

The volatility of the supply chain has created a chaotic atmosphere on the sales floor. Prices fluctuate so rapidly that customers are advised to lock in their purchase before the appetizer course is finished. Several startups have already hired “hardware sommeliers” to help navigate the daily specials board. “The texture of this week’s shipment is exquisite, but the price changes every four minutes,” explained Julia Vance, Vice President of Dynamic Panic Pricing. “We recommend pairing a 32GB kit with a vintage cooling fan, but please hurry, the price just went up twelve dollars while I was speaking.”

At press time, a junior developer was seen arguing with a cashier that the “farm-raised” memory from a discount bin was just as good as the “wild-caught” sticks sourced directly from the factory floor.

Inspired by actual events.