MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — Alphabet’s stock has officially outpaced Nvidia over the last year, a shift analysts attribute to a groundbreaking new corporate strategy: releasing AI products that are merely “fine” rather than terrifyingly smart.

While competitors race to build digital gods that might accidentally delete the economy, Google’s recent financial gains suggest the market prefers tools that simply summarize emails without having an existential crisis. Investors have flocked to the search giant, praising its ability to launch features that work just well enough to be useful but not well enough to make the news. “We realized that ‘changing the world’ is expensive and scary,” said David Thorne, Google’s Vice President of Aggressive Normalcy. “Our new goal is to be the beige paint of the AI industry—reliable, everywhere, and completely unexciting.”

The strategy has paid off, with Alphabet shares climbing every time Gemini refuses to answer a controversial question. Analysts note that while Nvidia chips power the revolution, Google is profiting by selling the digital equivalent of a sensible sedan. The market cap rose by billions following a demo where the AI successfully set a timer for pasta. “Every time a competitor’s chatbot writes a poem about the human soul, our risk models scream,” noted Elena Ross, Senior Analyst at The Boring Capital Fund. “But when Google’s AI simply says ‘I cannot help with that,’ investors weep with joy.”

At press time, Google shares jumped another 4% after the company announced a new AI feature that pauses for three seconds before telling you to just search for the answer yourself.

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