LAS VEGAS, NV — Embracing the criticism that Formula 1 has become a “200 mph soap opera,” race officials announced Friday that the Las Vegas Grand Prix will no longer be decided by lap times, but by dramatic plot twists and emotional betrayals.

The governing body confirmed that standard racing rules have been replaced by a team of daytime TV writers to ensure maximum drama on the track. Drivers are now required to slow down on straightaways to deliver tearful monologues into their helmet microphones.

“We realized the cars were moving too fast for the audience to truly appreciate the heartbreak,” said Stefano Ricci, FIA Director of Melodrama. “Under the new rules, a driver cannot overtake an opponent unless they first reveal a shocking secret about the other driver’s long-lost twin brother.”

Technical changes are also being made to the cars. Pit stops, which usually take under three seconds, will now require a mandatory five-minute pause where the mechanic confesses their forbidden love for the driver before changing the tire. Championship points will be awarded based on camera angles and facial expressions rather than finishing position.

“Speed is boring. Meaningful stares are in,” said Elena Vance, VP of Cliffhangers. “If a car crashes, it must now explode in slow motion while sad piano music plays over the entire city.”

At publishing time, Max Verstappen was penalized five grid spots for refusing to throw a drink in Lewis Hamilton’s face during the pre-race meeting.

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