“We realized that if you simply add the word ‘AI’ to a checking account, the value goes up by forty billion dollars,” said Brad Sterling, Director of Imaginary Numbers at Greenoaks. “It does the exact same thing as a regular bank, but the buttons are neon and the notifications make a cool sound.”

To justify the valuation, the company plans to introduce “Premium Air,” a subscription service where users pay $15 a month to breathe while looking at their debit card. The $75 billion figure places the company’s worth just above the GDP of Luxembourg and slightly below the cost of a turkey club sandwich at Newark Airport.

“People love paying fees to avoid paying fees,” said Sarah Cash, VP of Fee Invention. “Our goal is to have every dollar in the world pass through our app, leaving us with ninety-nine cents of it.”

At publishing time, Revolut announced a new “Ultra-Metal” card that is so heavy it requires a separate gym membership just to lift it out of your wallet.

Inspired by actual events.