AUSTIN, TX — Following reports of a significant data leak, executives at CrowdStrike moved quickly to reassure clients that their systems were never technically breached, noting that the hackers only gained access after successfully applying for a job, passing a background check, and receiving a 401(k) match.

The cybersecurity giant confirmed they fired a “suspicious insider” who allegedly shared sensitive information, but insisted this does not count as hacking since the bad actors followed proper corporate hiring procedures.

“Our firewalls held strong,” said Marcus Thorne, CrowdStrike’s Director of Internal Betrayal Management. “The attackers didn’t break in. They simply walked in the front door, attended new hire orientation, and waited for their dental benefits to kick in before stealing our secrets. That is a staffing issue, not a security issue.”

Industry experts warn that this insider threat represents a dangerous new trend where cybercriminals stop writing code and start polishing their resumes. The company maintains that because the employee used a valid badge to enter the building, the perimeter remained secure.

“We have successfully removed the employee,” said Brenda Halloway, Vice President of Closing the Barn Door After the Horse Left. “In the future, we ask that hackers please stop accepting our job offers.”

At publishing time, CrowdStrike announced a new security feature that requires all employees to pinky promise they aren’t spies before logging in.

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