“We realized the old power grid was too boring and didn’t track enough user data,” said Brad Halloway, Meta’s Vice President of High-Voltage Engagement. “By trading electricity ourselves, we can ensure that energy goes where it is needed most—which is usually our servers, not your refrigerator. We call it ‘Smart Rationing.’ You call it a blackout. It’s all about perspective.”

Under the new plan, homeowners may soon see “surge pricing” applied to their light switches during peak social media hours. If too many people are trying to generate AI images of cats at the same time, Meta reserves the right to divert power from residential dishwashers to keep the chat bots running.

“Electricity is just content that hasn’t been posted yet,” explained Sarah Jenkins, Director of Electron Retention. “Why should we waste valuable gigawatts heating your water when that same energy could be used to train our AI to write bad poetry? It’s a simple question of priorities.”

At publishing time, Meta had already cut power to three counties in Oregon after the region failed to click “Like” on the company’s latest quarterly earnings report.

Inspired by actual events.