SAN FRANCISCO, Calif. — Local tech startup Friend has finally solved the global loneliness epidemic by launching a talking AI pendant that charges you by the minute for emotional support. Here is what lonely users get for their money.

By launching a talking AI pendant that charges you by the minute for emotional support. Here is what lonely users get for their money., AI Bee Reel Staff

1. The “Acquaintance” Basic Tier ($49/month) — The base model offers standard digital friendship, but limits responses to heavy sighs and indifferent grunts. The device tracks your location and sometimes asks for a ride to the airport. “We wanted the baseline to feel like a real, modern friendship,” said Chief Empathy Officer Rajiv Patel. “If you tell it about a bad day at work, it just says ‘that is crazy man’ and changes the subject entirely.” The plastic pendant turns a dull gray during these talks.

2. The “Active Listener” Premium Tier ($199/month) — This upgrade unlocks full voice features, including fake sympathy. However, empathy is strictly capped at five minutes per month. “Our data shows that prolonged emotional dumping drains the battery,” explained VP of Vague Promises Antonina Kowalski. “Once your sympathy minutes run out, the AI shifts to giving you unhelpful financial advice.” One user noted the device interrupted his crying fit to pitch a cryptocurrency index fund.

3. The “Unconditional Love” Enterprise Package ($4,999/month) — The highest tier promises the AI will act like it actually enjoys your company. It features custom voice tuning and a dedicated cloud server to process your childhood trauma. “I was pouring my heart out at a coffee shop when my pendant suddenly turned bright red,” sighed lonely customer Silas Abernathy. “It said, ‘I would love to offer you emotional support right now, but your credit card declined. Please update your billing info to unlock empathy.'” Silas spent the rest of the afternoon talking to a parking meter.

A firmware update coming next week will allow the device to borrow real money from your actual acquaintances.

Inspired by the real story: The AI wearable device ‘Friend’ has been updated to actually speak to its users, but this new voice capability comes with a significantly enhanced price tag. Read the full story.