WASHINGTON — The Department of Energy (DOE) announced a major change under the Trump administration Friday, officially canceling programs related to the actual sun in favor of “building a cooler, smaller sun inside a warehouse.”

The controversial office reshuffle drops the agency’s focus on renewables to go all-in on fusion energy, a technology that scientists say is theoretically possible but currently powers nothing. Officials defended the move, arguing that relying on the giant ball of burning gas in the sky is “lazy” and lacks the excitement of spending billions on unproven science projects.

“Look, the sun is old news,” said Brad McAllister, the newly appointed Director of Shiny Objects. “Why rely on a massive, free fusion reactor that rises every morning when we could spend decades trying to replicate it in a bathtub in New Jersey? It’s about the thrill of the chase.”

Critics argue the move ignores affordable wind and solar options available right now, but the administration insists that simple solutions are for people who lack imagination. The new strategy involves ignoring the daylight completely to focus on complex diagrams.

“Renewables are boring because they actually work,” explained Sarah Jenkins, VP of Waiting for Miracles. “Real American energy policy means betting the entire electrical grid on technology that currently powers a single toaster for three seconds.”

At publishing time, DOE staff were seen aggressively closing the blinds in their offices so the sunlight wouldn’t distract them from drawing pictures of atoms.

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